Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
