she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
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if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i now understand why vodka
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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