Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
