you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
