If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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