Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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