im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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