I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
