there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
