I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
a search helicopter?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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