I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
