1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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