if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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