Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
