we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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