i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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