I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
