I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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