i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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