i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
