I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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