I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
