I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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