There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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