He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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