A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
