as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
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For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
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...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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