I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
