Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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