Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
