Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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