she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
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Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
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If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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