I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
