and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
