he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
