just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
