he thought i was a dude.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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