You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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