dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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