Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
