decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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