One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
