fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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