i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
