I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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