I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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