broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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