I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
