The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
