life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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