Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
