You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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