mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
